The Second Demographic Transition (SDT) theory suggests that with the expansion of higher education and the rise of individualism, demographic characteristics will show trends such as "late marriage," "delayed or no childbirth," "higher divorce rates," and "increased lifelong singlehood." While demographers might see this as a population issue concerning human group reproduction, I believe it also signifies a significant shift in the concepts of family and intimate relationships in contemporary times. Today, let’s talk about "voluntary singlehood"!
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During my last semester of university, I took a graduate seminar course titled "Studies on Non-Traditional Families," where the professor and graduate students delved into the topic of "voluntary singlehood." We explored questions like: Why do some people choose to remain single for life? What social and legal discrimination might lifelong singles face? How does the rise of voluntary singlehood prompt us to rethink our traditional ideas of "family" and "intimate relationships"?
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Voluntary singlehood has become an increasingly important topic in contemporary family studies. My interest in this subject led me to read several insightful books, such as social psychologist Bella DePaulo's Singled Out: How Singles Are Stereotyped, Stigmatized, and Ignored, and Still Live Happily Ever After, Rebecca Traister's All the Single Ladies: Unmarried Women and the Rise of an Independent Nation, and Aimee Lutkin's recently translated The Lonely Hunter: How Our Search for Love Is Broken. In this era where "love conquers all," how do we proclaim to the world, "I'm single, but I am abundant and happy"?
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Aimee Lutkin asks, "When can we finally say, I will be alone forever?" This question challenges the widespread phenomenon of dating apps and romantic shows, similar to the myths about singlehood outlined in Bella DePaulo's book. Not entering into marriage or relationships doesn’t mean loneliness. Single people do not lack anything in their lives. We have rich circles of friends, close family members who support each other, and even in the few restaurants we frequent, we can find like-minded food lovers to chat with. A single life is not lonely because loneliness has never been tied to whether or not one has a romantic partner or enters marriage. Marriage and romantic relationships are not talismans against loneliness.
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As family and intimate relationships become unstable due to shifts in social structure, we can further consider the role of family and romantic relationships in our unstable and risk-filled modern society. Instead of blindly entering romantic relationships through various channels, dating apps, or shows that promise to fill the void of loneliness and emptiness, let’s shout "Stop!" and take a moment to think about what kind of life we truly want. Continuously pushing romance and creating anxiety for singles isn’t the solution to loneliness. There’s nothing in life that must happen, just like entering a relationship, getting married, or having children are not milestones everyone must experience. Not going through these things does not make life incomplete. On the contrary, those who blindly achieve these "milestones" yet still feel empty and lonely are the ones truly lacking.
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Wim Wenders' latest film Perfect Days portrays the daily life of a single middle-aged man in Japan. After watching the film, you won’t think the protagonist's life is lacking; instead, you might envy how rich and fulfilling his life is. Waking up on time every day, watering plants, going to work, visiting the bathhouse after work, eating at the same restaurant, browsing bookstores, and then reading a bit before going to bed—this solitary life can also be abundant and complete. Not entering marriage is not a regret; cherishing every moment and living life seriously is the key to making life complete.
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